bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
