Your tits are I can't wait for
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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