I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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