take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
