I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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