Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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