dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
