whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
