The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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