Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
