can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize