I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
