I only kidnapped one of them. chill
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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