I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
