I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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