im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's shark week go big or go home
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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