Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
