No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
