I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
