He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
