Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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