I got chris browned last night
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
