Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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