omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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