How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
