she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
