I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
