I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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