i think my tv is drunk
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize