The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
