i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
