these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
