i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
