Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
