I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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