the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there is glitter all over my balls
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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