Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
