Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
