I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
