After last night, I could never be a politician.
Jerry, you need to find god
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
