I murdered the dance floor call the cops
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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