My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
