he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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