i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize