I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
