I only kidnapped one of them. chill
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
