Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize