i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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