On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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