i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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