You smell like stripper and shame
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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