So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
