The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
