He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
