If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
